Mean Politicians

By Distributorcap

MEAN POLITICIANS

Raised in potato country by her centrist parents, Olympia Snowshoe thinks she knows about survival of the fittest. But the law of the jungle takes on a whole new meaning when she enters the US Congress for the first time and encounters psychological warfare and unwritten social rules that Senators and Congressmen face today.

She instantly makes friends with Nancy Pelosi and Chris Van Hollen, who, in the terms of the Congress, are now the "out crowd."  Soon Olympia meets the Teabags, three crude, spiteful, but popular girls.  The Teabags consist of Sarah, the unofficial leader, Kay-Bailey, Sarah's full-time follower, and Michele, "one of the dumbest people you will ever meet." They immediately let her into their group, but Sarah is unsure. Her old friends convince Olympia to keep her relationship with the Teabags, only so that they can know their dark secrets. However, events turn for the worse when Olympia falls for Sarah's ex-boyfriend, Aaron Schock. When Sarah finds out, she seeks revenge. However, as Olympia spends more time with the Teabags, she begins to become one.

Dialogue from Mean Politicians

Nancy: [reading list the major cliques in Congress] You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity jocks, unfriendly black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks...

[a picture of herself and Chris come on screen]

Nancy: But we are greatest people you will ever meet. And then there are worst - beware of Teabags.

Nancy: That one there, that's Michele Bachman. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Chris Von Hollen sat next to her in Financial Services last year.

Chris: She asked me how to spell orange. I told her B-O-E-H-N-E-R

Nancy: That little one, that's Kay-Bailey.

Chris: She's totally rich because her dad invented Jesus Kites.

Nancy: Kay-Bailey knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.

Chris: That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.

Nancy: And evil takes a human form in Sarah Palin. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.

Chris: She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little congressional aides.

Sarah: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?

Blanche Lincoln: It was my mom's in the '80s.

Sarah: Vintage, so adorable.

Blanche: Thanks.

Sarah: [after Blanche walks away] That is the ugliest fucking skirt I've ever seen.  What a hick.

Sarah: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.

Kay-Bailey: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Taco Bell?

Sarah: I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Kay-Bailey you're so stupid!

Michele: Wait, Sarah! Talk to me!

Sarah: No one understands me...

Olympia: You're not stupid, Kay-Bailey.

Kay-Bailey: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!

Olympia: Well... there must be something you're good at.

Kay-Bailey: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?

Olympia: No no no... Anything else?

Kay-Bailey: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a second amendment sense.

Olympia: What do you mean?

Kay-Bailey: It's like I have C-SPAN or something. My breasts can always tell when we should cut taxes.

Nancy: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your GOP party?

Olympia: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be a Teabag.

Nancy: Hey, Limpie, you're not pretending anymore. You're a dunker on a string. Cold, shiny, full of shit.

Nancy: Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?

Olympia: You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your Congressional revenge!

Nancy: God! See, at least me and Sarah Palin know we're mean! You try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Maine with all the little mooses and the little lobsters!"

Olympia: You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!

Nancy: What?

Chris: Oh, no, she did not!

Nancy: See? That's the thing with you Teabags. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Schock, for example, he broke up with Sarah and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Sarah, Olympia? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean Congressperson! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this earmark. It is a bridge to nowhere.

Chris: And I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!

Olympia: [about Sarah] I have this theory about Sarah, that if you cut off all her hair she'd would have 8 chins like Mitch McConnell

Nancy: Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new Congressperson this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Sarah Palin's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Sarah, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Sarah said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Olympia -- you know my friend Olympia? We gave Sarah foot cream instead of face wash. I am so sorry Sarah. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big liberal crush on you!

Olympia: Hey Sarah!

Sarah: Why were you talking to Nancy Pelosi?

Olympia: I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about Iraq.

Sarah: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Nancy Pelosi. We were best friends when I was Governor for like 2 minutes. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then, I started going out with my first boyfriend Rand who was totally gorgeous with this poodle haircut but then he moved to Kentucky, and Nancy was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Rand, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Nancy, I can't invite you, because I think you're liberal." I mean I couldn't have a liberal at my party. There were gonna be girls there with their rosary beads. I mean, right? She was a LIBERAL. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of Congress because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's a vegan.

Michele: [to Olympia] If only you knew how mean Sarah really is... You'd know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago Sarah told me hoops earrings were her thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for my birthday my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with John Kyl in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am such a good friend!

Olympia: [after humiliating Sarah] Wait Sarah, I didn't mean for this to happen!

Sarah: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!

Olympia: Wait Sarah, just listen!

Sarah: No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a five college potato freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah, so don't try to act so innocent!

Olympia: But your the one who went to five colleges.

Sarah: You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy ..

[Sarah gets hit by a moose]

Olympia: [after seeing Sarah in mirror] Sarah, wow, you look really beautiful.

Sarah: I'm wearing a spinal halo.

Olympia: Look, I'm really sorry about the moose. I feel like it's all my fault.

Sarah: Stopping making this about you, it's always about you. I'm the one that got hit by the moose

Olympia: I'm really sorry about all the other stuff too.

Sarah: Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication that Rush gave me right now.

[Olympia smiles]

Sarah: You know Aaron Schock really does like you. He's always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive Matryoshka nesting doll from Russia, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it..

Olympia: You begged your mom to let you keep it?

Sarah: No. I threw it in the backyard. That is why I can see Russia from my backyard.